Walk a Mile In Our Shoes

When you have a child with an “invisible” disability like AUtism (or a similar autism spectrum profile), you may find that others often judge you, ignore you, or dismiss what you say. If you have stayed at home to care for your challenging child, if you are poor or working class, if English is not your first language, or if you aren’t sporting a power outfit and an expensive haircut—you may be treated with even less respect. When you talk about your child’s needs, or your concerns, people may respond coldly or with indifference. If your child has a meltdown, they may imply that it’s because you are an incompetent parent.There are many different ways of undermining a parent. Sometimes an educator or psychologist may dismiss a parent’s concerns with kindly meant (but actually condescending) reassurances such as: “Boys’ develop more slowly than girls,” or, “She’ll outgrow these behaviors.”Some people may actually blame the parent: “If you weren’t so anxious, your son wouldn’t be so anxious.”Or a relative may say, “That mother doesn’t know how to set limits. Give that kid to me for just one day—I’d whip him into shape!”Standing Up for Ourselves and Our ChildrenSome parents may have such inner strength that they can push back against judgmental people. For most of us, however, it’s very hard to resist internalizing others’ low opinion of our ideas and our efforts, or the implication that we must be bad moms, helicopter parents, or crazy.Being repeatedly ignored, disbelieved, contradicted, misunderstood, criticized, talked down to, or treated with disrespect wounds us deeply, and takes a toll. Starved for sympathy, facing incomprehension or even hostility, we fall prey to self-doubt. It’s hard to keep believing in the validity of our experiences and observations, to feel good about ourselves, and to keep advocating assertively for our children.If you are a parent who feels you have been ignored, scorned, or blamed, please don’t lose heart and don’t give up. Stay strong! In your mind, if not aloud, say to your critics: “Walk a mile in my shoes!”Trust your own instincts and your own experience. Most likely, your critics have little understanding of AUtism They have no idea how hard you work every single day to understand, get along with, love, and guide your child.Try not to dwell on the unkindness of others. Instead of listening to the nay-sayers and the know-it-alls, seek out people who can offer real support.